Thursday, July 26, 2012

Anything You Can Do I May Not Do Better, But I'll Sure As Hell Try

I have never been shy about admitting that I have a problem.  This problem, like terminal stupidity or some other neuron-melting illness, is incurable.  I speak, of course, of my assumption that I can do anything that I see performed on television.

Now before anyone gets all up in arms and is all, "But Mina, your adversity to sunlight rivals that of those ancient scrolls that turn to dust in the presence of UV rays," I would like to clarify that I mean cooking/artsy-craftsy/relationship stuff.  Not bungee jumping or leaping from building to building in sneakers and a sports bra.  I'm not that stupid.

But I have been infected with a mania that causes me to perpetually believe I can do anything I see on Food Network.  Deep fry an entire sandwich?  No problem.  Make my own butter, seasoned with sea salt and natural clover honey?  Bitch, I did that three months ago.  Make facinator hats for my entire choir group?  Well, I've never made them before but I sure as hell volunteered to do it!

Oh please.  I made five of these last week after watching DIY Channel.
What causes this?  I think it's my secret shame at being a well-educated, healthy (physically), mostly capable young woman, and yet I am a hausfrau because I am not yet able to work in this country.  I am making up for my lack of working with skills that have no pertinent use in the real world.  At least not any more. 

I suppose the butter-making thing could be useful if I found an Amish colony that would allow me to bring my Cuisinart with me.

Anyway, the mania has been with me for a long time, ever since I was a child.  If I saw Sailor Moon fight monsters, I figured I could do that too.  If the My Little Ponies made a house out of cupcakes and dreams, I was busy checking out city planning maps to see where I could put my own.  Barbie was a doctor, an engineer, and a rock star?  Big deal!  I was going to be a lawyer, an accountant, an opera singer AND a have many tawdry affairs in Europe with men named Marcello and Alejandro.

I made one of these out of hope and cotton candy a few months ago.
None of this would actually be a problem if I wasn't also freakishly accident prone.  Give me a glue gun, and not only will I burn myself, but I'll also glue my fingers to something.  Spray painting gloves?  I'll also spray paint my arms.  Make the cat a little hat out of pipe cleaners and toilet paper tubes?  Well she doesn't have any claws, but I'm sure she'll hide for hours.

Accurate portrayal of my actual crafting prowness.
I need to be stopped.  Before I decide I need to start making my own Cherokee Indian Hair Tampons.  All haters, go watch South Park, it's a reference.

1 comment:

  1. I need to send you some yarn, a pattern or two, and some new crochet hooks.

    Bored!Mina < > a good thing